Catégorie : Écriture libre

Jour 6

I’m pretty amazed by the fact I am drinking a dry Asahi and vaping a watermelon flavoured plastic stick. 

My boyfriend is abroad and I am lost. I know, I live in the same flat, and my cup of tea holds the same amount of earl grey and milk. But believe me, I feel like a two years old starting nursery. I remember when I was that age my mum wasn’t working, she was a stay at home mum. Which I thought was a real job, a remunerated job I mean. No offence, always thought my mum had the hardest job, making sure my dad had a slice of turkey and some peas in his plate when he came back from his own remunerated work. Apparently society considered it was just some type of holidays, like waving a broom was some kind of dance you would do in a camping every summer. But yeh, when I was little I remember my mum was taking care of that other child that was hitting me with a spade. Oh god I hated that child. No wonder your mum doesn’t want to take care of you. You’re so unbearable. One day though, my mum came back very quiet. Was she a nanny? I mean I guess she was a nanny in the village. I didn’t think that was a job, compare to being a mum. Yes I had some misconception about the world. She was quiet. I guess she cried. I guess she felt sick. But at the time I had no idea that it was so important. The baby she was suppose to take care of, has died. Sudden infant death syndrome. I remember that I understood it at the time, the baby has died, when he – she was little. A bundle of bones and skin, a smiley little human being, just dead in its sleep. I remember feeling sad, for the baby, for the parents, for my mum. How sad it was. And unfair. This baby will never hit me with a spade. And I would have preferred really. As much as I hated that first kid who was craving for my mum’s attention. Instead he went with the fairies. I remember they were in their cradle. A grave before the grave. I hope they didn’t suffer. But yeh I was saying, my boyfriend is abroad, and apparently that reminds me of the dead baby. And I’m drinking straight whiskey in a plastic cup now from the National Theatre, that you’re not suppose to take home, but let’s be realistic it looks quite nice to have this kind of cup at yours. 

Jour 5

The warring country

–

I am a warring country

At peace with the idea that

the rebels are knocking at my door 

Every time I take a shower

Every time I place my head on a pillow 

Every time I wash my face and close those eyes

And every time I have to stop breathing

and listen to their fists that rebound on my only exit

I contemplate the large windows or the hammer or perhaps the mop stick

Anything that will offer me a second chance 

to escape

to survive

to laugh in their faces

I feel trapped by the rebels since they camp outside my flat

Waving their mesh flag and throwing crocs all over the stairs

And every morning I unlock the door

and the place is vacant, silent

No one is waiting for me

The rebels are asleep in my head

They will wait and return the following night

I’m a warring country

As the dusk falls 

Jour 4

It was an egg with long arms

I didn’t want to cause him any harm

by serving him baked ham

Unforch he was a bit of a mad man

This nutter 

Jour 3

–

Vape after sex

–

Mango milk ice,

Blue razz lemonade,

Kiwi passion guava,

I booked my honeymoon

around the corner of

Fancy Spar

Jour 2

I’ve got a ick, the star sign chicks

Harrison told Bronte that he doesn’t find her attractive anymore. Jesse told Adam that he is a cunt. We’re not sure, it was bipped but everyone said ohhhhhh so we assume it was the female genitalia word. Lyndall couldn’t take to the grave that Adam said he would go home with Claire. Adam convinced Janelle she shouldn’t look into his phone because they trust each other, even if the task was to show you can be trusted by showing your phone, but Janelle didn’t pick up on this odd behaviour and you can tell she will be disappointed along the line. Her overprotective brothers would potentially have to intervene as she is quite clueless but also their relationship is weird af and perhaps they should marry each other but obviously this is not okay because they are siblings. She is really pretty though, but she asked what is your main stream of income, and that is just an orange flag. Mel didn’t know Josh’s job, and that is worrying after spending two weeks with someone. I don’t know Josh’s job neither, but I haven’t been to the Fiji with him. And won’t in the future. So he needs to tell me on tv what is his job. He says he feels lonely, he doesn’t know what to do anymore when his kids are not around. I feel the same Josh, but I don’t have kids yet. Bronte’s friend told her about a young 20 year old girl that Harrison was seeing. They kept saying that, a young girl. Giving me Martha vibe if you know what I mean. 

Jour 1

When Dr Karen thought I had shingles but in fact it was tonsillitis

I walked on the slippery pavement in Walthamstow (first time I spell it correctly straight away) with my open Crocs – as usual. And I bought a mesh top with angels on it, like you know the cinelli, I mean not the cinelli because cinelli is a bikes brand. No like the Italian one, very expensive – Italian brand angel on google – oh yeh Fiorucci. Well it’s not Fiorucci at all, they don’t even do mesh top but that reminds me of them. I had fever – like 28.6 degrees and I was losing my mind when I entered the dental practice. I had to fill a document with a greasy pen – I hate those greasy pen really they’re gross – I’m having ocd contamination, I’ve self diagnosed on TikTok. Anyway they ask how many cigarettes I’m smoking so I proudly answered vaping like it was making me somehow better. I heard about popcorn lungs and also honestly I feel worse since I vape but I think it’s because I went to do reflexology and I’m on a healing crisis. Dr Karen wasn’t impressed with my vaping answer, she told me in French -she is not French – that I shouldn’t vape neither, what am I doing really? She said French girl – I’m French – love to smoke. I said yes, I said it was a transition to stop. I mean it wasn’t entirely true but I felt bad telling Dr Karen I was going to keep smoking until I find another healthier coping mechanism. And also I wasn’t here because I vape, no I was here because my tooth infection was spreading and that I wanted to avoid sepsis, I was losing consciousness of her speaking English or French. I asked if she knew why I was here? She laughed and she said, well yes of course, you don’t feel good. After stabbing my gums with a latex covered finger she declared “you’ve got shingles”. When I left I noticed that Dr Karen had lot of plants by the window, each one tagged with this note “don’t touch plant. Dr Karen”. 

Man, I didn’t have shingles, I had tonsillitis.  

Le beurre fondu

–

Heart pouncing

Fingertips tingling

Legs freezing

Chest tightening

Eyes watering

Fear rising

Shell expanding

Thoughts spreading

Words vomiting

Nails sharpening

Self loathing

Words stabbing

Spider crawling

Lips biting

Tongue loosing

Pillow taking

Pillow screaming

Doors slamming

Shame insinuating

Shame triumphing

Shame shaming

Loath Letter

If I could I would

–

I would pinch your bacony cheeks and slice them up

to indulge in a crispy breakfast

I would carve your head like a pumpkin at

Halloween –

and let your eyeballs float in a spicy ragù

I would carefully hang you by your hair

their curls gently wrapped

around your neck

I would prohibit any chocolate

to wear your pinguid name

for no supermarket to ever be hell again

I would look at you gaggin’ in your own saliva

It’s still better than on my boyfriend’s stamina

I would chase you in your most jolly dreams

like a jaundiced Freddy

29.06.2022

–

Clipped nails and crunchy pie

À cause du chien you’re very high

French manicure and white mules

Mass shooting in the schools

Saline tears and glutamate

Mute children and meerkat

Guilt tattooed on your neck –

no wonder you got wrecked

Indistinguishable pain and Love Island

Here is the second name for Ireland